Eliana


Eliana is ready. She has done enough research and prepared everything.
She wrote names on her stuff so they know where to give them away when the time’s up. She calculated meticulously her weight, the height, and of course the rope.
She is ready.
She looks around this lonely yet peaceful spot in her favorite meadow, before climbing on the marked branch.
Tears rolling down her face, but she’s ready.
She ties a knot on the branch tightly then put the noose around her neck.
She feels the breeze on her face, between her hair, whispering unintelligable words on her ears.
This is so peaceful.
The wind getting stronger and it reminds her of the chaos in her life. Nothing goes right. Nothing she ever did was right. She has never made the right decision. She has never not making a mistake. She did everythin wrong. She starts crying, biting her lips trying not to make a sound just like what she has always been doing her whole life.
But she shouldn’t be worry about that. There’s nobody here. Just her, the meadow, and her tree; One tall and strong tree standing alone in the meadow. Eliana pats the branch absent-mindedly.
She is ready.
She sobs for the last time and then jump.
… Everything will be gone now.
All the worries she has ever had.
All the dissappointment people keep telling her.
All her failures.
All the bad decision.
She will, finally, be free.
Finally, everything is over..

But… Eliana is too small.
She is too thin as the result of no appetite for days (or weeks?)
She is as light as a feather.
And as soon as she jumps, the wind blows her body away.
Strong enough to break the tight noose around her neck, gentle enough to safely sends her to the ground, miraculously, without any wound
Eliana is so shocked that she is just laying there on the wet grass.
Then it hit her and she cries hysterically.
Curling up in her summer time dress, crying her heart out.
A few strands of her hair fall on her pretty face as she lays there weeping for a really long time.
The rope was brand new, and she tied the knot very tight.
There is no way it could break so easily by the wind.
It is as if someone does not want it to happen.
And she swears that she could feels giant hands gently placed her on the ground when the rope breaks.
It is as if someone wants to save her.
She weep louder.
Another breeze blows through the meadow, between the grass, through the holes in some old trees, sending a low whistle to the air.
It is as if someone is crying with her.
Eliana slowly calms down.
It is so hard to just get up and starts walking again.
But she, being a brave little girl she is, did it anyway.
Her face is still wet as she slowly walks back home.
The meadow breeze blows through her hair, whispering words on her ears,
“Hold on, Eliana. The storm is about to end”

-Sometime in 2016

Pills


My friend would never know it.
I’m that silly friend who is always cracking jokes whenever possible, acting tough when being asked about life, and when I’m not being funny I’d act baby/girl-ish.

They know that I would get sad sometimes over something, but never too much.
I’m that person who can keep all their secrets and give them the best advise.
Advise that I should have told to myself but I didn’t.

Once I chat up someone who posted a desperate status on facebook. It turned out she had these pills on her hand ready to swallowed it all down. She said that I saved her.
But only a week ago, I had these pills myself in my hand. 3 sleeping pills. While I knew it wouldn’t kill me, I hoped that it would get me to sleep so much deeper so I could run away from my life longer.
I told her, “Don’t give up. Not killing yourself is a brave thing to do. Whenever you are down, come to me. I’m always here”.
I mean it. But I should have told the same advice to myself.

The other time, I had this friend. He just broke up with his girlfriend of 2 years and sort of lost in life. He threw himself to alcohol and I would message him and call him, telling him to work out instead to burn out the “sadness” rather than drinking.
But just 2 days ago, I almost buy my first alcohol and drink it alone in my room.
I told him not to damage his body ’cause he’s gonna need it someday when he wants to play with his grandchildren.
I should have told myself that same advice.

No one else would know this.
I’m that cheerful friend who always cracking jokes and acting girlish.
They had no idea that every single night I couldn’t sleep and would cry for I don’t know how long, feeling desperate and lost.

They had no idea that every single morning I try to get out of my room as early as I could. I would wake up at 6 am everyday, but stay on the bed literally for hours, failed to find a reason to get up.

They had no idea that unless I drink my coffee, it would ruin my day not only feel sleepy like everyone else, but I would get that flooding feelings of helpless and desperation, all.day.long.

They had no idea that sometimes when I lay on my bed, I would stare on my window and spend hours imagining what would it feels like to jump out of it.
I would spend hours thinking how deep should I cut my wrist to make me bleed fast enough I won’t feel too much pain.
I would spend hours thinking how much sleeping pills I need to take so I can die in my sleep.

I have nobody to share these.
Literally nobody.
But that’s okay. This is my life.
I have to fight my own way.

To know that even when I feel so desperate, I still holding on,
Even when I want to spend days literally laying on my bed doing exactly nothing, I still get up,
I’m still trying, I’m still fighting,
it makes me smile.
I am indeed stronger than I thought I would be.
Even when I can’t fight hard enough, I’m still strong enough to hold on. And that is good.
That is good enough for me.

270317

Healing


I spent so many time trying to tell someone that I worth their time, that I worth the fight, but wouldn’t it work to no one.
My heart ache and I feel sick every time I see something that reminds me of you.

I’ve tried running, staying, begging, but none would brings you back someone when they want to get away.
I can’t keep my cool so I keep it true*.
It’s gonna be part of me always and I don’t want to be sad if it calls me from the deep corner, when I see something that reminds me of you.

I’m trying to face my fear and sadness now, instead of running away from it faking a smile and walking with bleeding knees.
I want to take some time for myself to heal, I want to let myself be sad and angry and heartbroken and whatever those feelings you gave me.
Because not feeling anything is not okay.
I want to give myself solid proof that I can do it, that if it ever happen again someday I know that I can get through it without running away.
I now know that pretend that it is okay does not makes you stronger. It tells you that you are strong, without actually make you see that you can survive it.
I want to be okay with the fact that I was hurt, I want to see that I can actually get back to my feet and get through this.
And maybe when that happens I can walk faster and better than before.
Maybe when that time comes I can finally draw a line between past and present.
Because that’s the only way I know how to be alive.

I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
I just can’t see it yet because I have something unfinished. Something with myself.
I want that when I finally walking out of here, I can leave it all behind me.
And maybe when that happens, I can actually have a fresh start.

My Hero


“Have some respect”, you say
well did you have the respect when you slap her on the face,
left the red marks, as the little girl walked in
and ask “what happened momma”
and the teary woman said she’s fine
when I saw her heart shattered on the ground
and her tears flowed, drained all the blood in her heart.

“Have some respect”, you say
How can I, when I saw you shout at the weeping woman
no you have never touch me,
but the view was enough to kill me
you won’t see my dead body,
but sure you see the little girl is dying in me.

“Have some respect”, you say
and you threw the drawer in front of us,
the hard wood hit the floor one inch away of my leg,
telling something about the money you spent
You know we hate to be your burden
you know I don’t wanna be

“Have some respect”, you say
when you shouted and shouted and shouted and yelled
when you heard me crying in the locked room
and you asked her and she said she had no idea
well it was my fault indeed to keep it secret
but do you really have to shout?

“Have some respect”, you say
but you left me in the middle of the junction
heart was all feared and worried,
and my sister tried to look calm,
when I knew she worried about us, about me couldn’t walk out of the car
and the saviour came, with the red flaming cheek
why didn’t I see your worry face on the other side of the road
saying “it will be all fine, it will be all fine my little girl”

Who took you out of  my heart?
Was it the money, the job, or the fellows
Hell. They are not worth it.
They took my hero and that’s all I know
Now I beg to my God, “Bring me back my hero”
Cause I know he’s there inside you, in a place I can not see

Bring me back my hero,
the one who would threw me up in the air
to catch me back again and laugh and he said
“it’s alright, darling, you’re safe in my arms”

Hell. Was it the money, the job, or the fellows?
They don’t deserve any single piece of you
Was it the time, the disease, or the age,
God why do you took away my hero?

Hell it could be me,
Is it the hormone, the time, or the confusing teenage time
but I am old, I am an adult and I should have know it better
Is it time for me to lose him already?
But he is here, I just can’t touch him

And this is all confusing,
perhaps I shouldn’t try to find out the guilty one
or who are the hurted ones,
or even think about it this time

But it is all so heartbreaking
I don’t know what to say, I don’t know what to do
I am lost, I am losing the game.

26 Nov’13

The Window Is So Tempting


The window is so tempting
and the night makes me freezing
I want to take the small steps,
May it let me go everything.

So I sat on the brink,
and look up to the starry night.
It is so beautiful that I want to fly.
I wonder how it feels like to fly.

You know I can always get up and smile,
I just need a reason to get up and smile.
Tell me there are reasons to stay
Why do I feel no reason to stay

Hold my hands and tell me
Everyone’s strong to keep going on,
But my hands are trembling and I can’t keep going on.
Talk away the wise words,
my mind is a maze and my throat is sore.

The window is so tempting..
It is hard to take a step back now..

The window is so tempting..
I need to hold myself alone now..

Indonesia, 26 Jun ’13

Seribu Tetesan Hujan


Seribu tetesan hujan,
di butirnya aku masih melihat senyuman.
dan suara pecahnya ketika ia memukul jalan,
dan suara tangisnya ketika ia mengalir pelan.

Seribu tetesan hujan,
dulu jatuh di atas kepala kita
yang tertawa-tawa;
masih muda dan sedang jatuh cinta.

Kita lupa
bahwa akan ada akhir untuk segala.
Aku lupa
bahwa hanya aku yang jatuh cinta,
dan ketika semua harus jadi kenangan,
hujan menjadi begitu muram..

Seribu tetesan hujan,
di bawahnya kita berbagi cerita
apa yang akan kita lakukan di masa depan;
kita nyanyikan lagu harapan

Seribu tetesan hujan,
getar senar melayang di antaranya,
suaramu dan suaraku berdansa bersama-sama.

Seribu tetesan hujan,
sekarang mengalir begitu saja,
memukul-mukul atap rumahku
dan bergabung dengan hujan di mataku.

Seribu tetesan hujan,
rinainya yang biasa damai
seperti mengejar,
membawa kenangan di tangannya,
memaksa untuk kembali dikenang.

Cintamu itu duka!
kenangan kita menjadi luka.
Aku ingin pergi agar lupa.
Sehingga senyummu yang biasanya buat aku bahagia,
tidak lagi buat aku merana.

9 Jul ’13